My 2014 resolutions

Work harder, put head up higher, make life easier, 

act nicer, act wiser, think smarter, learn faster, speak louder, jump higher

Learn to be a good leader 

be a better partner, mother, and lover, 

Have more wonderful time on summer, hold tighter, hug warmer on winter 

keep being 'a killer singer', a good kisser, and a cool chick rocker, 

quit being a heavy smoker, be a drinker not a drunken master, 

keep share the laughter, be an energizer 

More to be a giver not a taker 

keep being a good listener, inspiring writer, 

be a trendsetter not transgender, 

Stay away from player, and heartbreaker cuz they are only the stupid joker

avoid troublemaker, poisoner, and back stabber

Have a cool partner, faithful, charming, crazy, romantic, nice, kind, warm hearted lover!!

stop act like a loser, and be a winner!!!!!

 Pheeeewww.. And at last... Keep being a dreamer!!! Here i come 2014 :))) — feeling super.

The day when I can't feel my feet

Bottle of beers, shots of tequilas, glass of whiskeys.
It makes me fine for some seconds.. But cannot kill the pain I feel inside.
I thought its gonna be painkillers.. At least for tonight!
I thought everything just gonna be alright
But not at all!!!

White and blue roses.. Blue decorations.. You put your grey suit with blue tie.. White dress! The pictures of happiness.. The pictures of togetherness, picture of love, picture of you..
All look perfect!! On your special day.
It was look perfect for me as well..
But something like tear my Heart apart when I saw it. I try to hide it with my smile and laughter..
I screams and shouts.. But it won't change anything..
And I know it well!
I imagine.. How did you feel when you said.. ' I DO!'
I wanna see how was your face, how your eyes reflect..
Its only me who can see.. Are you really happy or not with that.

My mind is not with me right now.. Its all over the place.. Anywhere.. Everywhere..
Questions.. Questions.. And questions..
And no one able to answer all of those questions!

How come my band members could play those all broken heart songs that I should sing! Damn it! They really know how I feel!
My tears just fell down without something I couldn't explain about it!
Oooh GOD it feel hurt so bad!
One thing..
What stiLl make me smile.. Your messages that I received today!
It is! Today is your big day.. But you still sent me those messages.. Told me how much you miss and how much love me!
I must happy with that? Or I must feel sorry about that?
Well.. Both!
One thing I only know..
You could be with someone else..
but your LOVE is for me..
Give for me
Just for me!
Am I selfish?
Or sounds like... Mmmmm..
whatever...
I don't care!
Your heart, your love is mine..
but still..
I can't hold my tears!!!!
Hiks :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(

* during my short break when I work.. Feel so...... Fuckin annoying!
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Today, tomorrow, that day

Today she is crazy about you but maybe tomorrow she won’t be. 
Today she cares for you but maybe tomorrow she won’t.

Today she craves for your time and attention but maybe tomorrow she
won’t even think about you.

A day will come when she will have had enough of crying for you and
chasing you and slowly she will get over you and move on.

And then she will find someone who will gather her and love her with
all her broken pieces and make her smile all over again.

A man who will heal her hurting soul. He will be the man whom she will
never give up on and she will love and respect him more than she
loved you.

That day you will realize that time never comes back for anyone and
you will desperately wish you had let her have you.

You will wish you had given her your time and attention which she was
craving for. SO CHERISH HER LOVE BEFORE SHE IS GONE FOREVER. . . .

I know how it feels

According to what I have gone through in my past love relationships, 
Love isn’t an easy game! 
My past relationships were both good and bad. 
But they taught me oodles concerning love. 
They gave me a lesson. 
I can’t say that I was only a good girl in my past relationships, 
No. I also used to be a bad girl & I have also ever been a heart breaker. 
I have ever been loved that much.
I have ever been hurt to the fullest. 
I have also ever cried for someone just like any other person out there. 
I know how it feels to be loved that much. 
I know how it feels when you’re heartbroken; 
I know how it feels when someone just wakes up and starts to change and eventually dumps you with no good reason. 
I know how it feels when you’re addicted to someone you love.
I know how hard it is to quickly let go of someone that you truly loved with all your heart, 
I know how it feels to love someone when he or she taking you as an option. 
I know how it feels to be cheated on. 
I know how it feels to care for someone who doesn’t appreciate… 
But all what I can tell you.....
LOVE is not an easy game. 
It needs when one is so PATIENT, COMMITTED, UNDERSTANDING, LOYAL, TRUSTWORTHY, FORGIVING, CARING, APPRECIATIVE, HONEST, GOD
FEARING AND WITH A RICH HEART. 
So if you have got someone who is at least 50% of that, then love and care about him or her. 
Do whatever it takes for both of you to last forever because such people are very rare to find these days. Never let them go over minor issues that can be resolved. 
Love them genuinely just like the way they are.
 Be proud of them.
Once you let them go.. They are just gone..
And you might regret for the rest of your life!

Nobody want to

Nobody want to be alone
No body want to be lonely
Nobody want to be an option
Nobody want to be second priority
Nobody want to be forgotten
Nobody want to be sad
Nobody want to be broken hearted
Nobody want to cry
Nobody want to hurt
Nobody want to get ignored
Nobody want to get dumped
Nobody want being replaced
Nobody want being mistress
Nobody want to be stress
Nobody want to be depressed
Nobody want to be hopeless
Nobody want to make a mess
Nobody want to break promises
All they want just happiness
All they want blissfulness
All they want fruitfulness
All they want togetherness
And all i want just happiness!!!

SMILE, Rheta!!!!!

Oooooooops!!!!!!!

Once again.. One more time.. 

I feel so broken heart.. 

To watch those things.. 

It's like a sharp knife stabbing right through my heart when it still beating.. And tear it apart into pieces.. It bleeding.. 

It's like something choke me up, when i still breathing.. And i feel like breathless..

I can't breath...

It's like a cramp on my stomach.. It's painful.. No its butterflies in my stomach.. It's pain!

It's like a hammer punch on my head when it still thinking.. And make brain stop working..

My brain freeze.. So do the world frozen!

It's like shard of broken glass in the eyes when it still blinking...And the eyes can't  even closed..

Tears drop.. Red tears.. Blood tears.. 

It's like steel nails, nailing my feet when i still walking.. Its sculpting, glued.. 

I cant move.. Im like a statue 

It is HURT! 

And i can't blame anyone for this..

It's my fault...

My roomate said.. 

Stop searching.. You will get hurt even more..

I didn't search it.. It came to me.. 

stop searching and it will just come..  Like it just happened!

Can i get through this ? All alone?

Yes alone!!! Cuz they dont understand.. Only me understand my self..

I will.. And i can do.. Well.. I do..

I CAN do this!

I Can get through this all alone.. 

Like what i said.. I will STOP! In time..

When i can't take it anymore..

But for now.. Here i am..  

Smiling.. 

Dear GOD.. Please... Just make the pain lighter..

I will not ask an easy life.. Or painless life..

But.. Give me the strength to get through 

The strength..  To keep the pain

The strength to keep my head up high..

The strength to always put smile when my heart cry

The strenght to be patient! 

I can be STRONG!

As always :)

SMILE 

I don't wanna be right!

One more week in Surabaya..
Next Tuesday will be our last performane at Desperado.
Also last day in 2013.
My 2013 resolution all failed!!!
But.. I also learned a lot from this year..
So many beautiful memories to remind, hard days that i passed, pains that healed, and bad days that i want to forget, just leave it all behind, look and move forward to the future.
And i wish, i hope and i dreams for the best in 2014. Dreams.. make it come true. Finger crossed! :)))

I'm still taking medicine to get much better, i feel better now, after few days not feeling well. Doctor said just too tired, and think too much! Hahahha.. I dont even want to think.. Im already tired to think.
A lot of question on my mind, guessing, assuming.. My brain cant stop working day and night.. Even while asleep.. Tiring!
But.. Thanks God.. My hope still inside me, and i can feel it. It still follow me, stay and faithful to me. Cuz once my hope betray me, i don't know what i could be.
Its make me living and feel grateful until now..
My hope about me, about life, about you, about us,  about future, about anything. I wish it will stay forever! I hope ;)

I was thinking about what i have done so far.. Is it wrong, is it right?
When i know its wrong i make excuse to be right..
My mind say its wrong.. My heart even tell me its wrong.. But my feeling is right.. My guts tell me it's not right but tell me not to give up. It is worth to wait!
If loving you is wrong.. I dont wanna be right!!!
It is not blind.. Cuz what you see with your eyes it can cheat you..
But what you feel with your heart it must be true!
I choose which way i will go, where i will walk or run
So i will know where the path will end..
It could be harder than i thought..
It could be rocky.. windy, slippery.. Or just beautiful road to see the sight..
Everything could happens.. But for now.. Let me choose where i go..
Let me choose if i stay.. Or walk away.. Or run away!
I will stop.. When i know i cant do it anymore. I will stop when i know i cant take it anymore
But for now... Im willing to get hurt, to feel the pain to fight something worth for me!
At least i try..  Cuz... You never know when you never try ;) 

I just can't wait.. To have my 2014.. New year.. With new you.. New me.. And new us!
It could be..
OUR Year.. Who knows ;)

My mind

Finally done! I will have my day off tomorrow.. Fweeeh felt so hard.. When i must work when i feel not really well! But, like always.. I do all my best.. I jumped.. I dance.. I scream and shout! And they were happy and enjoy the night. Thats all i expected!

Im laying on bed.. Listening my playlist, drinking my hot tea..
And my mind is like flying away.. Not sure where is it now!
Maybe she is at the place where we met..
The first time when had that kiss.. The place when we walked along the beach, hold each other hand!
Or she is at the place when we had our first dinner.. Or the place when we had that dinner at a fancy restaurant.. When you gave that card and gift. When i couldnt even hold my tears when i read the messages you wrote on that card!
Or.. Maybe she is at the place when we had our first tears.. Our arguments.. Or that place when it was hurt me so bad to see that pictures! Hurt me so bad when i knew the truth that.. You......
Or to the place when you said that three magical words!
Or?.???. She's flying to the place when we had that amazing weekend.. When we did something crazy at the pool after amazing dinner!
Or she's at the place when we had amazing time together with your friends and my friends.. Our friends.. Enjoyed the sunset at a beach club, spent time longer at the car than the club. When we had drive around to find which club is open on Sunday..
Or maybe.. She is at the place when you get really pissed off saw me singing.. And get pissed off when i change my clothes and you didn't! A place when you came to surprised me! A short amazing time!
Or.. Maybe she is just here.. The place where i am now! The place that we never make something here. Never make any memories.. Oh no! I made it here! This room.. Know exactly how i pass  through the day without you! How many tears i cried!
How we talked when we got drunk!
Well.. Everywhere she goes. There always something about you!
She is flying to memories.. To the moments.. Which is wonderful, incredible and amazing!

Hmmmmm....
Something just accros and popped in hers..  On my mind!
If i stop.. Like what you did!
Would  you keep fight like what i did and what i do?
Would you give up like i never did?
Would you stay there like what i do?
Would you say... Please don't go.. Please stay!
And if i walk.. Will you hold my hand and say... Dont go.. Just stay with me!
And if i disappear.. Will you find me?
    
      

My thought

Have you ever loved someone more than you loved yourself?
Like,you treated them better than you treated yourself, you deal with their bullshit even though you know you shouldn't be.
You stuck with that person even though they didn't deserve you, you forgave them no matter how many times they made a mistake even though they ran out of chances already.
You won't leave that person even though all your friends suggested you to do so.
All because, you wanted to be with them, & nobody else, even though you know you'll be treated
like shit, to you it's worth it.
The truth is, we don't get to choose who we fall for. 
The people we fall for, they may mistreat us, ignore us or hurt us, but despite all that, we stay with them. 
Why? It's not because we're stupid, it's not because we enjoying getting hurt, it's not because we love setting ourselves up for heartbreak. 
It's because we can see the good in them, it's because despite all the arguments, the jealousy, the trust
issues, they are the ones who make us feel a certain way that no one else can & we value that feeling, & it's because our brains won't allow them to leave our minds, & our hearts won't allow them to leave our lives.
Why do I still text you? It’s my choice. It’s my way of saying I remember you. 
Why do I remember you? It’s my choice. It proves that I care. 
Why do I care? I don’t know. It’s not my choice but my heart’s.
Sometimes, the only reason why you won't let go of what's making you sad is because it was the only thing that made you happy. 

And for now.. One thing is really matter and important.. And make me happy..
Is...
To know that someone i think about every single time.. He also think about me!
He makes effort.. To always put a smile on my face
And its just enough for me..
Thank you DJM!

YOU ARE..

I'm scared..
I'm worry..
That you just change your mind
You will not listen to your heart anymore like you ever did
That's only one thing that scare me a lot
When you just listen to your heart everything would be just fine..
Its not about I can't have the whole of you
Its not about her who will have your status!
Its not about her who will put a ring on your finger
Its not about her who will walk with you at the altar
Its about your feeling for me..
Its about your heart that have me inside
Its about your feeling that you have to share with me
Its about YOU!
If I can ask you to do me a big favor..
Please closed your ear.. That will change your mind
Please listen to you heart!
I don't care..
I don't care when you have to go to YOUR house to see her
As long as we have 'HOME' for US
I don't care if you go to a place when you have to see her
As long as you have a space for US to see each other
I don't care if he can have your body as long as I have your HEART
This sounds crazy!
And indeed is crazy!
You can closed you eyes from the thing that you don't wanna see
You can closed your ears from the things you don't wanna hear
But you can't closed your heart from the things you don't want to feel
Whatever happens.. I won't give up
Cuz I know.. I can't have it anymore
I won't feel this feeling anymore.
It show.. Why it won't work with someone else.. But you!
I won't give on the person that I cant go an hour without thinking about!
I heard so many love songs..
But you are the love song that I never sing
I wrote poem
But you are a poetry that I never wrote before
I plays games
But you are the games that I never played
I taste the flavor
But you are the flavor I never tasted
I have been tested
But you are test that I never took
I take the chances
But you are the chance I never get
I have dreams
But you are the dreams I never had
I love jokes
But you are joke I never got
You are the question I never asked
You are the lie I never knew
You the feeling I never felt
You are the voice
That I won't stop hearing
You are everything!

Stay there !
Please..
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Soulmate

Soul mates are for real and believe me there is someone who is made
just for you and for each one of us… just like a perfect key that
fits a lock.

But there are no shortcuts to finding your soul mate. You need to be
patient because you will meet your soul mate only when you are
destined to.

There will be a perfect day and time which will lead you right into
the arms of that person who is destined to be your companion for
life.

When the right time comes you will be drawn to each other just like
magnets and you will unite in a timeless bond of love and passion till
eternity.

Your soul mate won’t be someone who is perfect and flawless but
someone who will change your life completely to take it to another
level of bliss and fulfillment.

Someone who is just perfect for you. . . .

Waiting

I wake up today with a big smile on my face
And the reason is long messages that i received on my phone
The reason is you!
You were always the one who made me smile, the one who made me laugh. 
You were also the one, the reason why i cry. 
And now.. You are still the one.. The reason why i smile :)))
I walked to the window, open the curtain.. And hoping that the sun is shinny, but NO!
Its been cloudy and rainy weather lately. And me.. not a big fans of this weather as well.
When this rainy and cold season come.. It would be just fine if there is someone who will always hold my cold hand, or someone who will hug and make cuddle under the blanket on the sofa. Someone who will say.. Everything would be just fine.. Someone who always become the sun on rainy days . Sounds like perfect!  Perfect day to dream :-p
Well, all i can do just made my peach Dilmah tea to keep that big Smile on my face :)))
Hmmmm... This tea! Remind me about a place. the last 3 months, i felt sad when something remind me about this place or about anything happened out there. But not this time. It feels good!
I look at my watch.. My favorite one ( i even wear it when i sleep ) and its still 20th of December.
Uuuh.. Its feel like.. The time running so slowly.. It was 2 days ago.. But it feels like 2 weeks!
Eleven days to go.. Until new year.. My farewell party in Surabaya.. And my Bandung! But beside that I'm waiting for another exciting moment. Its 2 more weeks to go.. And its feel like 2 months!
And for you.. Eight more days to go! Exciting?
But I'm sure the closest moment you cant wait is.. Christmas Eve.. ;))

Waiting is always sucks.. But i can wait! Waiting for good things. Waiting for Miracle!
Waiting for you.. To come back in my arms again, to hold my hand and never let it go.
Waiting for you to hold me tightly until i cant breath and never leave
Waiting for all those dreams came true.
When you wait for someone for a few minutes, its "NEED". 
When you wait for someone For a few hours its "TRUST".
 But, when you wait even though you know they wont come its "TRUE LOVE"
The truth is that I want to be with you every minute of every day. 
I know I cant. I know its unrealistic, but maybe one day we can dream together every night.

Its getting colder..
The rain pouring 
If i can make one wish for now..
I wanna share this bed and blanket
With you.. 

See you!

Love is when you spend a week with someone and then you call them the minute you get home.
It is when you stand behind someone at all times, including when you don't understand or agree with what they are doing.
 It is when you want the best for a person even though it may mean that you personally have to sacrifice.
Love is hugs for no reason, tears with no shame, and laughter with no end. It is a feeling you can't put into words, but you recognize it every time you hear 'that' song or go to 'that' place. Love is comfort, happiness, and motivation.
Sometimes we forget just how to love, but all it takes is one special person or thing to make us remember again. Love lives on in memories and dreams; it lives on in our hearts. Life is built on love, and indeed, love was made for you and me.
Its not good bye.. Its see you soon..
I will be strong for you.. Like you try to be strong for me!
Thank you.. For still loving me like what you did.
Thank you.. For bring my life back. Even though i have to wait
But.. Like you know.. I am here.. Stay... Staying! Wait.. Waiting...!

😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘
Take care!
See you soon! Like what you promised me..

Only IF! If Only

Its late at night.. Not really that late for me, who always goes to bed around four or five in the morning! Even though on Sunday when i have my only day off when i work, i always sleep at around that time.
Like here.. In Surabaya.. When i have to perform at Desperado, a bar in Shangri-la hotel Surabaya.
I still awake at this time, spending my night off of singing at my room. Do my 'ME' stuff!
I just had a good Sunday like another Sunday i had since i came here.
The day When December just began.. My December! It was not really bad for started ;)
Its just lil bit different than my two last December i have had. Not lil bit actually.. Big different!

My mind just like flew back two years back.. When i need to ran away from rainy season  in Bandung to Bali. Ran away from reality that someone broke my heart! When i was single, even now i am single.. Back to live a single life. Walk from the cloud to the light!
Im not lying.. I tell the truth.. And honestly.. It was really great moment when i finally found the light for my life. Which is i thought would be the end of my dark longest night.
But nope! Everything just came to its end.
Regret never come at the beginning.. Cuz when it come at the beginning it call registration.. Lol
If only.. I just follow the path.. I see an amazing things now.
Its just would be perfect!
If only i had more patience.. It would be just perfect!
If only i listen to my heart.. Not to my ambition.. It would be just perfect!!!
Everything screwed up because of my selfishness!
I see it really clear now!
But thats life goes on ;)
If we don't make any mistake we will never learn
If we never fall down we wont know how to stand up
Then my life would just normal and flat and colorless and boring! Hahha
Again i make excuses about what i did wrong! :-p

You are there...
At the same place we met
Eat at the same place we went
Drink at the same bar we went
Watch the sunset, ride motorbike, eat bakso at the beach, drink bintang, lay down at the pool, have suntan, drink at that small bar, massage, hang out at the beach club, and do alot of fun things.
But.. Without me!
Only if!
If only.. Then..... ..... .....
Thanks for came into my life.
And i still have so many great memories to remind about :))))
Enjoy your time.. And have fun!
* don't bring home the massage girl ;) lol